Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Conquest of Maryland

A little known historical fact is that William the Conqueror, upon landing on the shores of England in 1066, fell flat on his face. His first mate dressed it up a bit when he described William as "falling into an embrace with his new country". Within a few months, William had conquered England, which enabled him to change his nickname to William the Conqueror (in middle school it had been William the Geek).


Well, I didn't fall flat on my face, but upon entering Maryland for the first time, my car overheated. By comparison with William, I had calculated that within about 3 months Maryland would be under my complete control. After a year, I regret to report that it is taking longer than I thought. Regardless, I figured this would be a good time to reflect on the year, and especially to report some of my thoughts on this Land of Mary's...




Overall, as a state Maryland kinda sucks. I give it a 4 out of ten. (this is the state, not the people nor the school mind you...) Below I review what I perceive to be Maryland's weakest points, which I intend to fix when I become king in a few more months...


#1--Awkward Speed
Have you ever been driving on the highway, and the car in front of you is going just a smidge too slow for your own comfort, but just a hair too fast for you to pass, and so you are either stuck behind them in an awkward state of cruising/stepping on the brake, else you try to pass them and awkwardly drive right next to them for an extended period of time? I call this "awkward speed". One of the first things I noticed upon moving to Maryland is that approximately every man, woman and child in Maryland moves at the awkward speed at all times.


#2--Government Control
I may risk my life in telling you this, but I have started to uncover a frightening covert plot being carried out by certain higher-ups to control the people of Maryland--using traffic lights. What else could possibly explain their complete ridiculousness, other than an evil plot? I first became aware of this secret control when I found that I spend most of my waking life sitting at traffic light...even when I'm not in a car! Maryland's Department of Transportation seems to take special delight at having major 4-lane highways meet in four way intersections about every 400 yards. And they have transformed each four way intersection, using an ingenious system of left-turn only arrows, right-turn only arrows, pedestrian-only signals, and pedestrian-with-shopping-cart-only signals, into a 16-way intersection. I have seriously counted up the I time spend, per day, at an intersection where literally no cars are going. It adds up to about 8 hours each day.


#3--Construction
The construction companies are operating in conjunction with government officials in the secret plot to control each Marylander using traffic lights. The first piece of evidence: every intersection in Maryland is under construction. Upon entering the intersection on the four-lane major highway, the left lane is closed off first with big orange barrels. What is happening in the left lane that they need to close it off with barrels? Nothing. Apparently it is a 'buffer zone' for the construction happening on the other side of the intersection. The next lane to close off is the right lane. This is done solely to prevent anyone from being able to escape the intersection by taking a right turn on red. Now we're down to the middle two lanes...the one on the left is taken up by people selling roses and people asking donations to go to poor South American countries to teach them manners (I know this may be starting to sound ridiculous, but I guarantee that it is all 100% true). This leaves one lane, which is taken up by broken down public buses. The only reason I ever get anywhere in Maryland is because, as a physics graduate student, I have mastered the art of quantum tunneling.



There you have it, the three main weaknesses of the state of Maryland. If all goes according to my plan, I will exploit these Achilles' heels to create leverage for me to complete my government coup. I will report back to you when I am appointed supreme-dictator-for-life. Give me at least three more months.

6 comments:

Michael said...

Luke, the first thing you need to do is go read the Maryland Toleration Act which was published in 1649. This sacred document is designed specifically to make life in Maryland more tolerable to those of us from states that don't sound like they were originally meant to be religious theme parks.

The other thing you have to realize...is that your new states top agricultural commodity is the Broiler. What is a Broiler? I am glad you asked...it is essentially the veal of poultry. Ahh, Maryland...the land of dead baby chickens!

Mindy said...

how can you dis on the land that brought you the "turf"?? where is your loyalty, honestly...

Bobby said...

Hey Luke,

Once you take over Maryland, what kinds of things do you like other states that you would like to see in Maryland?

Glenn said...

You are dead on with the construction conspiracy.

Kyle said...

I'm just amazed that you're still alive, and living in Maryland. That's just nutty.

astrobassist said...

Michael: An even more interesting fact is that Maryland's state bird is the crab.

Mindy: You are right...I take everything back!

Bobby: All of the roads should be replaced with waterslides

Glen: amen...but keep that on DL

Kyle: I completely agree with you, on both counts...